I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I”ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.  The only sound I hear is the barking alert of a nearby tree squirrel.  He had a front row seat to my “fall from Grace”.  The squirrel’s heckling drives home the point that it definitely was not a graceful fall.  He’s telegraphing throughout the forest the updated score, deer one, hunter none.  How embarrassing to be dissed by a squirrel…

Just yesterday morning I had my 6 year old son and his 14 year old cousin hunting with me in this area.  We got out of bed at 4:30 AM and we were in the forest by 5:45 AM.  To say that we were still hunting would be completely laughable.  If you know anything about many 6 year old boys, the last thing that they can be is still.  So I used the time that we had in the woods to allow the boys to shoot their slingshots and for me to find a potential tree stand location.  The boys soon learned that acorns make pretty good slingshot ammunition.  I’m sure the squirrels were not expecting the onslaught of an acorn shower launched by slingshots.  I also held out a very faint hope that a curious buck would find the boys too irresistible not to investigate.  Any respectable buck would know that this loud and raucous group could not be a hunting party.  For goodness sakes, the smallest one in the bunch was singing pop songs and skipping along the trail.  Unfortunately for us, we did not come across a buck whose curiosity was greater than his common sense; although I stood ready should the event present itself. 

I scouted an area where three recently traveled deer trails converged and there was fresh scat on the ground.  I located what appeared to be a sturdy oak tree adjacent to the trails.  I trimmed back a little brush and removed the dead limbs to provide a better view of where the trails converged.  This appeared to be a great spot for me to return early in the morning in hope to catch the deer moving.

I corralled my two-man Chinese fire drill team and pointed them in the direction of the car.  They did not get to see any deer, but both raved that they had a great time.  My 6 year old even made up a song about his great time that I had to hear all the way home.

My wife was pleased that we all had fun; and more pleased that we were gone for so long.  I told her that the constructive part of my hunt was the tree stand location and preparation completed.  She insisted that I return the next day to the tree stand location without the boys.  The boys already had a great time and should be worn out for at least a day and one-half.  Besides, it was my responsibility to step up and bring the meat home.

The next day I was up at 4:30 AM again and in the woods by 5:30 AM.  Knowing the tree location relative to the access road, I was able to park a little closer to where I wanted to set up.  I decided to put on my safety harness before walking to the tree so that I would make less noise once I arrived.  Getting the snaps and straps oriented correctly takes time and can be noisy.  I walked quietly through the brush and arrived at Grace, the mighty oak tree.   Yes, the tree’s name is Grace, as in “…fall from Grace”.  The trunk branched out at about 12 feet, so I set 3 pegs in the lower trunk to get up to the saddle.  Giving a little favoritism to my right knee, I had MCL surgery 6 weeks ago, I braced against what appeared to be a sturdy branch to reach the limb to attach my safety harness and …oops…

On the way down I reached for other branches.  Of course, all of the branches I managed to reach turned out to be breakaway branches.  I hit the ground, and thankfully nothing else but the ground on my left side.  I am positive it was my left side because it still hurts!  As I lay there on the ground, I can remember my first thought, “$#@!, I just fell out of a tree!”  I know that falling from tree stands is among the leading causes of hunting injuries, but I don’t believe that I just fell out of a tree.  Ok, now what?  Can you move your hands and fingers?  Check.  Can you move your legs and feet?  Check.  Can you sit up?  Check, but it really hurts.  Ok then, lay back down.  I can’t believe I just fell out of a tree!  That tree squirrel has been squawking since I hit the ground.  He is the one creature to witness the whole pathetic event.  The longer I lay here, the louder the squirrel gets. 

Ok, I’ve just fallen out of a tree and a heckling squirrel is making fun of me.  I take that as a sign that it is time for me to go home.  That means I have to find a way to stand up and eventually walk.  I rolled onto my stomach, raised myself to my knees and pushed up with my arms.  One more surge and I was standing, and it hurt!  My steps were a very slow and deliberate shuffle, much like a constipated Frankenstein monster. 

As I looked back at my landing zone beneath the tree, I could clearly see the imprint of my body in the dirt.  There was so much dirt turned over that the area looked like a Tyrannosaurus Rex scrape.  My last recollection as I limped to the truck was the mocking heckle of Mr. Squirrel.  Please email me your favorite squirrel recipes.

FACTS:

According to a 2008 Consumer Product Safety Commission report on tree-stand-related accidents, between 2005 and 2007:

- 41 hunters were killed

- About 19,000 were injured

My fall resulted in bruising and embarrassment, but nothing broken.